I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted..to be honest I’ve actually been beating myself up for weeks about it – that counts right?
Have you ever found yourself being your own worst enemy, saying things and projecting things onto yourself that you would be embarrassed to utter out loud, let alone to a friend?
I find that I vacillate between feeling on top of things and then spiralling down into my worst critic…
And not surprisingly I find it not only means I get pretty much nothing done that I intended to, but I actually take LONGER to return back to things because I almost begin to resist it, to fight back against the unkind words and thoughts I used against myself..as a way to say “NO, YOU’RE WRONG!”
The truth is when we don’t give ourselves the space and unconditional acceptance to feel the way we do, and honor that with the time that we need…we self sabotage.
We isolate ourselves.
We feel alone.
We begin to believe our painful thoughts about ourselves, our futures, an ultimately our lives and relationships with those closest to us.
What I have realized over this past week..as I finally gave myself the space to just accept how I felt…
“don’t want to get back to them today…that’s okay’
“don’t want to go to that school event…no problem’
‘don’t feel like getting that work task done…it’s okay, it will still be there tomorrow‘
Something amazing happened…
I started to be able to breathe.
I felt calmer..
Happier with the little things..
I felt freedom to choose what I wanted to do next..
‘ Feel like vegging out on the couch and having another cup of tea as I read my book – don’t mind if I do!’
It felt like the best feeling in the world..Like curling up on the couch of your closest friend and openly and unabashedly sharing in your joys and disappointments…your struggles and triumphs..
Laughing, crying..letting it all in, and sipping from the cup of life.
How often do we do this for ourselves?
How often do we honour how we feel and let ourselves off the hook?
Will the world end if we don’t do that thing..?
Will that person disown us if we say – not today?
Will our bank account empty out if we don’t go into work today?
Will we fail to meet our deadline if we put it off a little and give ourselves that space?
The funny thing about managing our lives is that we force an artificial idea of time over everything, and expect that our life is going to fit into that container, perfectly in balance..and when it doesn’t, we berate ourselves for it.
Like dammit we should be better at this by now!?
But what if we aren’t meant to get better at juggling overwhelm?
What if we aren’t meant to fit it all in, master it all, hold it all together, take care of it all?
What if we’re meant to drop the ball, because carrying it is burning us out.
What if we became our own best friend and offered ourselves the parenting we most need..
The gentle running of our own hand through our hair, caressing the tops of our foreheads..
the ‘there there..let it all out..its okay now’ that we really need to hear…
The removal of the weight on our chests by allowing ourselves to breathe and accept, and love ourselves just a little more…
The letting go of the constant obsessive need to worry, and let life take care for a while – because contrary to our inner critic’s belief – we don’t hold the world together…and we don’t “MAKE THINGS HAPPEN” as much as we lead ourselves to believe…
And that sometimes the same things can be accomplished with a little more gentle loving kindness..and the realization that maybe we’re not meant to do it all..
that maybe that thing we’ve been pushing ourselves to do…isn’t actually what lights us up, or feeds our soul, or will actually make a damn bit of difference in getting us where we want to be..
IF we can’t love ourselves at the end of the day after doing it (or not doing it).
After all..isn’t that what should matter first, always?
If you can settle in and be you..accept you…feed yourself..and enjoy being who and what you are – first?
If you can’t dig beneath all that pushing, and frustration, and self bullying and find out what is being pushed down and out of the way because its too scary to look at or feel?
Realizing that it isn’t going anywhere but creating more internal pressure until it all blows anyways…
So why not let the steam out by giving yourself what you most need right now..
Even if that feels like a waste of time..or selfish, or brings about a terrible case of guilt?
Because it is just those mechanisms that are feeding into the story that you can’t have what you want now, you can’t be happy now, of not-enoughness.
Can you let yourself off the hook?
Can you be your own best friend, even if you don’t think you deserve it?
When we stop holding up the measuring stick and just see what is there, and allow that to be enough..magic happens.
All of a sudden..it is enough.
All of it..every imperfection..every flaw, every fatal mistake..
It’s all perfect because it has brought you to this singular moment of loving kindness..
And that is the best gift we can ever give ourselves.
Vanessa xx
